Saturday, August 9

And then there were None

I'm usually talking to a guy or two over the internet at any given time.

Not any more.

I met one of the men I'd been talking to on the Florida trip, and to be honest, while things didn't work out there, it really was for the best.

The only other men I talk to, are either friends or involved with someone locally.

That's okay with me. I've got the surgeries going on, and I really do need some time to get fixed up before I think about traveling again.

Besides, there's at least one man I used to know that met me during the "high stress" time of the past year, and I royally fucked things up with him. It's been months now, since I last talked to him and I still miss him.

I really don't want to fuck up like that again.

Thursday, August 7

Recovery

I have a matching one on my right thigh. I have others, but they're not... pretty enough to share with all of you yet.

This is where the doc harvested the skin for the skin grafts, btw. The bandage is there because I've been leaking lymphatic fluid from that leg ever since. The right leg just keeps it all inside, and the doc sucks it out with a syringe.

Wednesday, August 6

I'm Back

Sort of. Just stopped in to say I'm still around.

This summer has turned out to be something of a surprise, so far. Had a couple men I was getting to know better, but they didn't work out. Now I find I'm a free agent, once again.

And I plan to keep it that way for a while. Just coast for a bit and enjoy the sun.

I might even stop by here more often, and drop a line.

Saturday, July 26

:-)

Whoever would have thought that I'd get so much traffic on this site, simply because of the panty pictures?

God I love men.

Tuesday, July 15

I'm still around

I'm drawing a big, fat blank.

The sun is shining, the air is redolent with the scent of newly mown grass, and a cold beer is calling me by the poolside.

So basically, I'm just saying hi to all of you, and letting you know I didn't drop off the face of the planet.

Off now. Can't say when I'll drop by again. You all should get outside and enjoy the weather too. If you've got half decent weather wherever you are.

Saturday, June 21

Changes...

I look into my closet, my heart feeling squeezed in the confines of my chest, as I flip through dress after dress that's become too tight for me.

I'm trying to pack for a trip, where I'll be meeting a man for the first time, and I'm at a disadvantage.

Because of the surgeries, the down time, the time I've not been allowed to exercise, it's not just the body that needs healed... I've gained weight.

All my vulnerabilities have come into play. Parts of me that make me a woman, are dead and gone. The one thing I had going for me, my attractive shape, is gone now too.

I'll get the shape back, but not before this meeting.

And I'm at a loss. I've lost a certain confidence that has been a part of who I am for all these years.

Like a house of cards, this leads to a cascade of falling emotions.

I turn back to the closet, and I know the only thing I can do is buy new clothes. Larger clothes.

I feel the tears gather at the corners of my eyes, and I want to hide. Withdraw from society until everything about me is returned to rights.

But what if it never is? What if I never regain what I had before? I can't hide from that forever.

So I turn my back to my closet, pick up a pad of paper, and start to jot down the items I'll need. Just for two weeks, I tell myself, just enough stuff to get me through the meeting.

There is nothing else I can do. There's no hiding from who I am. What I've become.

Not for a day, an hour, a minute.

Clothes I can buy. The rest of the items I need, the personality and character that define who I am...

Those will be harder to acquire.

Saturday, June 14

Regrouped

I've done something here on the blog and in my emails lately that I've never done much of in my real life. I've let people see that things can get me down.

I thought, at the time, it might be liberating. Or that I might find some emotional support by letting these dark inner thoughts escape out into the light.

It didn't have that effect though. I'm not sure what effect it did have, but it didn't make me feel any better by sharing. It made me feel uncomfortable.

Guess I'm just happier when I get all the extraneous emotions tucked out of sight before I talk to others. I really am, for the most part, an optimist. But some days it takes a little longer for me to come to terms with "the bad".

But come to terms with it, I do. Every time.

Just like now. My physical situation hasn't improved. In fact, I had a bit of a set-back this afternoon, but emotionally, I'm on top of the game again.

To those of you that I hit up when I was feeling down; Thank you for standing by me.

I owe you all drinks!